A Reluctant Yogi

Resistance and Commitment

2011-07-13T09:38:00.001-07:00

I have to admit that sometimes I forget to practice or something else gets in the way. Today has been one of those days where I spent the first hours working on a freelance editing project. The results inspired and encouraged me to send off two article queries. By the time I was ready to face the mat, I had to get ready for work.

I used to believe that yoga would somehow fundamentally change me. I would magically transcend my negative thoughts, my negative self image and become a more harmonious vessel of compassion and love. Added to this, I would achieve a perfect yoga butt and radiate joy.

Don't get me wrong, yoga has helped me no matter how many times my commitment has wavered and out right failed. Years of yoga means that I can no longer escape myself, which is a good thing. I must again and again return to a place of self acceptance.

However, I must admit to being a particularly difficult student.

My mind tends to darkness. Call it a combination of genes and a seemingly in-born cynicism. I question everything. I rest in nothing. Perhaps it is simply resistance.

I have discovered, however, again and again, that when I am in movement, when I am in the breath, I find a sense of freedom and relief. It's a little 'a-ha' moment where I rediscover a spark of joy in life.

I may to continue to struggle with resistance and commitment, but the joy keeps reminding me that home is right here in this body, me.

Rediscovering The 5 Tibetan Rites

2011-05-19T06:27:00.001-07:00

I learned the 5 Tibetan Rites over 10 years ago when I studied with my yoga teacher. I practised them daily and dilligently, but after some months I found that I became jittery and anxious. B.K.S. Iyengar has always cautioned that pranayama practises should be engaged only after one has practised hatha yoga for a sufficient period of time. When I began my 5 Tibetan Rites practise, I had been practising yoga dilligently for some time, but I was just coming out of a period of anxious depression.

I've begun to practise them again as an experiment to see whether I react differently this time round. Yoga practise, no matter how challenging, leaves me feeling freer and happier and more content.

I must confess to also becoming a cross fit fan. I'm a new beginner and quite to my astonishment, I really dig getting down and pushing up and basically giving myself a good thrashing of circuit training. Today after a short, but intensive run, I tried out a 10 minute workout from BodyRockTV. The workout consisted of two low squat jumps, followed by alternating knee-lifts--10 in all--followed by getting down on your belly and explosively jumping up to a low squat and then repeating as many sets as possible within the 10 minute time limit.

It was fun, intense and I needed to collapse on the floor and do some long-held yoga poses afterwards.

I began this post talking about the 5 Tibetans. Besides being a powerful pranayama practise, they are also a functional strength training program. Whether they are in fact the fountain of youth as they are purported by some to be, remains to be seen. I'll let you know 20 years from now!

Rediscovering 'Yoga for Depression'

2009-01-28T06:06:00.000-08:00

I first encountered Amy Weintraub's ground-breaking book 'Yoga for Depression' in 2004 when I took a workshop led by Amy herself. I was so impressed by the experiential components of the workshop that I bought the book and Amy signed it.

I had been living in a fog of confusion and dampened spirits for some time. My relationship with my partner was at a stand still, one of his closest friends had died the year before from a sudden heart attack, and another of our friends was fighting stage four colon cancer. I lived each day feeling as though my head was encased in cotton. I was numb to everything around me. After a morning of breathing exercises and long holding of bridge pose and mountain pose, I felt inhabited by a childlike wonder and playfulness. I knew I had come across something extraordinary. I already deeply believed in yoga, but Amy's approach, called LifeForce Yoga, had tapped me on the shoulder.

I would love to be able to say that my life turned around over night and all was well. Call me a slow learner who over thinks every step, but all these years later I still haven't managed to take a training session in the technique.

I find myself battling with the blues again due to all of the adjustments of being a foreign country and struggling to find adequate work. I am deeply grateful for my yoga teaching work and for the other work that comes my way. Now as I read her book again, I am reminded to adjust my practice to incorporate more specific breathing exercises to awaken energy and contentment.

Amy holds workshops around the world and yesterday when I checked the calendar of her website, I saw that there will be a training in London from June 20 to 24. I've contacted the yoga studio and will soon receive all of the information. I want to find the means to go before I venture back to Canada for a long and needed visit.

If you find yourself suffering from the blues, I encourage you to check out Amy Weintraub's website at www.yogafordepression.com. It might just change your life.

Being Where You Are

2009-01-23T02:17:00.000-08:00

I received a text message on Tuesday from a yoga teacher who has a full time teaching schedule asking whether I could substitute for her on Wednesday. I sometimes substitute for her when she has family matters to attend to (she has four children). She has three back-to-back 90 minute classes on Wednesdays, running from 9am to 2pm. The first and third classes are for students with osteoporosis and/or arthritis. Many of these students are very elderly and frail. I was so grateful for the opportunity to teach them. Their grace and determination greatly inspired me and re-affirmed my belief in yoga.

Here were these women, some of whom were in obvious pain, making the effort to do what they could do to open up their bodies. I was reminded how important it is to honour where you happen to be and nurture yourself through that kind of self acceptance and self compassion. Yoga is not about achieving the most gravity defying pose, it is about working within your present limitations without judgement and fear. Yoga is a process of stripping away the layers that accumulate and shield our inner knowing and capacity for joy and love. I saw this in action on Wednesday and felt a deep gratitude at the end of each class when my 'loaned' students thanked me for a wonderful experience.

Of course it was themselves they should really thank. They reaped the rewards of the class because they were present in their practice.

Working with the Wheel

2009-01-20T00:32:00.001-08:00

The wheel refers to the yoga posture--a deep backbend that requires flexibility and strength in both the lumbar and cervical spine and shoulders. The wheel is one of the 12 poses I will be working on this year towards my goal of working on postures that I habitually avoid.

I tried working with a fitness ball yesterday at the gym. I thought that lying on the ball with it positioned under my upper back was a good preparation to opening the muscles in my back. I followed this with three attempts with my wrists aligned against the wall on top of a pilates matt. The wall support was very helpful in stablising my arms, but I couldn't quite achieve the lift I required to get into the full pose. I realized that my left shoulder is a little stuck in this extension. The next attempt I will try using a strap around my arms to keep them in alignment and work on opening up the shoulder.

I was amazed by the psychological / emotional effects, even though I have not yet achieved the full pose. There was the physical rush of blood from the intense effort, but afterwards I felt a surge of energy. I can well understand why the pose is recommended for depression.

This is the year I stop feeling like I am an imposter because I not perfect. This is the year of deep learning and acceptance. The journey is the goal.

True joy comes from within, not from external circumstances.

2009-01-15T02:00:00.000-08:00

2009-01-15T01:51:00.000-08:00

Roots

2009-01-15T01:33:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about trees. I spent many years living in British Columbia, Canada before I moved to Denmark. I miss the towering temperate rainforest and especially the arbutus and cedar trees. Whenever I look at trees I feel connected with a silent intelligence I cannot comprehend. I love the way trees reflect their journeys through time. The twist of their branches, the knot of their roots, are keys to their individual stories. Much like our bodies can reflect our experiences to those perceptive and experienced enough.

Yoga is the practice of going deeper into self inquiry and self acceptance, which leads to increased understanding and transformation. All of my life, like many others, I have struggled with a judgemental inner voice that never finds anything I do or make good enough. When I am on the mat, I naturally meet this voice. Often attached to this voice are a knot of intense feelings hovering just below the surface. I have often experienced that when I sit with these feelings, locate them in my body and focus on them, I eventually feel them loosening and dissipating. Sometimes I find myself crying and shaking afterwards. Sometimes I feel a surge of strong energy and motivation to accomplish something.

The other day I evoked a deep grief, which I have carried since early childhood. The pain was very intense and manifested later as an overreaction. The wound revealed itself again. Instead of pushing myself to practice power yoga this week, I am spending these days focussing on restorative yoga to support this fragile place to remain open.

Yoga is indeed the trip of a lifetime, and one that takes us back to our roots so that we may continue to grow and transform and blossom.

Taking time for rest

2009-01-09T00:11:00.001-08:00

I struggle a lot with the rest and restorative aspects of yoga. I love teaching these vital elements, but have more difficulty living them. Such as today. I have been fighting off some kind of bug for a few days. My energy is low. I go through periods of feeling queasy and fuzzy-headed. Just when I am ramping up my own practice, illness steps in.

So today I will accept that I need rest and quiet time. Today I will make my practice one of radical trust. I have often heard that sometimes the best way to speed up is to slow down. So today will include a recommended sequence of standing forward bend, supported bridge pose, legs up to the wall pose, bound angle pose, reclining twist and widespread forward bend. I will see how that helps.

Also recommended is Siberian ginseng (can't find it here in the backwaters of Denmark), so vitamin C and echinacea will have to do. Stress plays a key role in the suppression of the immune system along with inadequate exercise, too high an intake of caffeine and alcohol and an inadequate diet. Research has shown that healthy bodies exposed to cold and flu viruses will not contract them. Therefore, when you catch a virus it is a telltale sign that your immune system is not functioning optimally. Interesting. This means I will have to work on calming my system down.

I have been struggling with my stress response to underemployment, learning a new language and the deep sadness I feel due to my grandmother's sudden decline into dementia. My challenge to myself is to not judge myself for my struggles and stress, but to accept that sometimes my situation is challenging and emotionally difficult. I need to find better ways of nurturing myself, marking another new territory to explore.

Beginning...

2009-01-07T23:44:00.000-08:00

Last night I taught a new beginner in my new power yoga class. I kept an eye on her to make sure that she didn't do anything that might translate to 'ouch' later. She, like many of my students, was fairly stiff and lacking in upper body strength. As I took the class through a beginning sun salutation sequence and instructed them in the finer points of how to transition from modified plank to upward dog and from upward dog to downward dog, I found myself thinking about beginnings.

I knew I had taught a satisfactory class by the end because my new beginner student was eager to attend next week's class. She had the telltale glow and smile on her face.

Ah, the excitement of beginnings!

Self Acceptance

2009-01-07T01:01:00.001-08:00

I see this phenomenon often when I instruct a yoga class. I will have just explained the importance of working within limits and focussing on performing an asana well and safely, when I will see a handful of students struggling to go deeper into a pose. They inevitably compromise their alignment and safety and use their will to push themselves deeper into a pose than their body is able to achieve at the moment.

It is a common struggle and one which I struggle with myself. It is not always easy to know the difference between a physical limitation (due to stiff muscles, a person's unique physiology, an old injury, etc.) and a psychological one, but both require the same remedy: self acceptance. Self acceptance means working within the current limits you have and gently expanding them. It can be on a subtle level, but is worth the effort. It builds determination and focus and nourishes contentment. The mind is always busy and fixated on something. The mind likes to wander and time travel and create worries and hopes and dreams. The body is rooted to the earth, to this time and to this place.

As I struggle to work on poses that I have largely avoided until now, I continue to return to the image of a small child taking her first steps. Of course there will be many many 'failed' attempts. Of course it will seem impossible. But one day, after trying again and again and again, the training will will be pay off and transformation will occur.

The learning is in the journey, not the results. And results themselves are an illusion. The process is everything because it is only through dedication to the process that we continue to grow and transform in ways we could never imagine.

Here is a quote I love from Swami Kripalu:

My beloved child,

Break your heart no longer.

Each time you judge yourself,

You break your own heart.

2009-01-04T11:09:00.000-08:00

A Year of Inversions

2009-01-04T04:06:00.000-08:00

I would classify myself as someone fairly knowledgeable about yoga. I have been teaching off and on part time since 1999. But in those 10 years, I have fallen into a pattern of limiting my own practice and avoiding postures that scare the willies out of me.

Most of these fall under inverted postures and arm balances. Namely, headstand, handstand, and, well so on. So 2009 is my year of living dangerously by facing the postures that scare me the most.

First up: headstand, the wheel and the crow.

I've created this blog to map my journey.